Castrato on the Strand



Man walks in to a restaurant. Grabs a kitchen knife then jumps up on a table and unzips himself. What happens next was caught on film .. No, only kidding, no-one with a 5.0 Mega-pixel mobile was on hand to film him hacking off his three card trick though it really did happen. Last Sunday a Polish man executed a self-dismemberment in Zizzis, a bustling Italian restaurant on the Strand. I imagine he awoke the next morning a bit confused especially as he’s been detained under the Mental Health Act.

I’m sure history could reveal many such incidents. The Romans probably told hearty jokes of slave abuse and then there was Farinelli (1705 – 1782) the most notable of Italian Castrato soprano singers. Although it was eventually made illegal to mutilate poor 8 year-old boys for the church choirs, it didn’t stop 4,000 from being put to the knife every year in the name of operatic art. But the trauma of losing one’s anatomy must have weighed heavy. Much like bomb site boys carried around pieces of Nazi shrapnel, the Castrato Giusto Fernando Tenducci (ca. 1736 – 25 January 1790) was once asked in later life what he carried everywhere within a red pouch in his pocket?

Castrati were as popular then as the Bee Gees were in the 80s with their falsetto wine. Farinelli went on to achieve his own X-Factor fame, even performing at Lincoln’s Inn Fields – a yelp away from where Zizzis currently stands (the pizza is great so the Neapolitan Farinelli would indeed have approved).

There was also Wayne Bobbit who was notoriously separated from his ‘lolly lick’ in 1993 when his Ecuadorian wife Lorena lopped it off with an 8-inch carving knife .. as he slept. Well Lorena, she drove off into the night tossing the said item out the car window and it took a police search party to locate it. Bobbit’s pipework was satisfactorily re-attached – unlike the poor Pole’s whose plumbing is now sadly decommissioned.


8 Responses to “Castrato on the Strand”

  1. I will not speak for myself I will use the wisdom of Robin Williams the great American Comedian Prophet who said, and I quote “See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.”…perhaps our polish plumber should have gone to Lidl and bought the DVD?

  2. I read tonight that the Polish plumber has had his pipework reconnected after pioneering surgery. “It is too soon to know if it was a success,” London Lite writes.

  3. I have just read about another appendage-removal episode, this time an inmate at Her Majesties Prison Bristol who self-harmed, slicing his penis off with a razor blade.

    “It is extremely serious,” says a prison spokeswoman.

    If anyone else hears about similar stories do let me know and I’ll change the name of this blog to perhaps, Bobbit Blog. Suggestions appreciated.

  4. And so the tradition of making a point to an unfaithful spouse seems to be catching on. Here is the case of 44 year-old Adelaide housewife Rajini Narayan who, rather than put her husband Satish’s parts to the knife, decided she would pour inflammable liquid on it then set it on fire instead.

    “I just wanted to burn his penis so it belongs to me and no one else, I didn’t mean this to happen,” she said in court where she is up for murder.

    Reluctantly, I seem to becoming a magnet for these stories. Perhaps a Google news alert to the words penis and wife might attract more.

  5. for kitchen knife, i would always use ceramic kitchen knifes because they are sharper and tougher than steel knifes ,`”

  6. I was very pleased to find this website. I wanted to thank you for your time for this wonderful post!! I definitely enjoy reading it and I have you bookmarked to check out new stuff you blog post.

  7. Thank you very much! Sorry I let the blog go in favour of other online projects but am happy to say I shall post more! Richard.

  1. 1 Renaissance « England’s Pleasant Pastures

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